


I'm Sorry Frank

by piercetheovaries



Category: MCR - Fandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Fanfic, Ferard, Frerard, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 01:29:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5355884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piercetheovaries/pseuds/piercetheovaries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning: Story contains triggering content such as eating disorders and self harm. Please do not read this story if you are easily triggered by these topics.</p>
    </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry Frank

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Story contains triggering content such as eating disorders and self harm. Please do not read this story if you are easily triggered by these topics.

I remember the first day we met. It was in high school, year ten. Ray introduced us. At first I was the awkward chubby emo kid and you where the hot short kid with a shit ton of tattoos. But you still liked me for some reason. That day, I remember talking to you about our favorite bands. You were wearing a Green Day shirt and I was wearing my Smashing Pumpkins Shirt. We talked the whole lunch period and we got each others numbers. Then after school, Mikey, Ray, you, and me all hung out at my place, But we went to my cave of a room and watches star wars for the whole night and sat together on my bed. After that we fell asleep next to each other. Sometimes I regret that day knowing what was leading in the future.

I remember the day you came to my house after we had been friends for a couple months, wanting to tell me something. You didn't know that I wanted to tell you the same thing.   
"Gerard, I'm Gay." You said. I smiled brighter then the sun when you said that  
"So am I." I said ecstatically. You smiled so bright. You were so happy that I wasn't some homophobic douche bag. You were so happy that I didn't judge you for your sexuality. You were so happy that you could relate to your friend. You were so fucking happy.

I remember the day I came to your house crying. I was crying my eyes out and you were there to comfort me. I was crying because of my family. My dad specifically. That abusive douche bag found out about me being gay and beat the piss out of me. After that happened I came to your house and you opened the door with open arms. I ended up staying at your house for that whole week and that's when I grew a small crush for you. Little did I know that the little crush I had would escalate to the roof.

I remember the day when you took me to the park and we sat on the swings for hours talking about so many things. We talked about almost everything except the things I was hiding from you. I hid a lot from you Frank. That was the day that I finally revealed my growing, full blown crush for you. You blushed redder then a tomato and I smiled brighter then the sun. Then the unbelievable happened. You kissed me. Then it was official. You were my boyfriend.

I remember the day that you starting suspecting things I was doing behind your back. You pointed out my weight loss and how much I wore long sleeves. I knew I should have told you about the problems I was going through, but i never wanted to burden you. I still felt that no one cared about me and that I was impossible to love.

I remember the bullying in school that i went through. The constant name calling hurt me and bought my self esteem lower then it already was. I remember every time you were near me, You beat the fuck out of anyone who made fun of me, and after you would re assure me that I was beautiful, even though I knew I was not.

I remember the day when we were walking back from school, it being year eleven then. It was Ray, Mikey, You and me. I remember fainting that day. I don't remember what had happened when i was unconscious but I remember waking up in a hospital, feeling your hand in mine. You were so worried and you kept asking me questions.  
"Have you been eating?" You asked with such concern. It hurt me to lie straight to your face. I think you knew that I was lying

I remember the day I got released from the hospital after being put on a nasal feeding tube for two weeks, gaining ten pound. I avoided you for two weeks after that to loose the weight again. You kept calling during that week, but damn I should have answered because you kept calling over and over again. And It was important.

I remember the day that I finally answered my phone you were crying. I didn't know why at first. But you explained everything through your chokes and tears. You told me that you had went to the doctor for your check up and they found something in your lungs and they wanted to check it out. You explained the fact that you had lung cancer.

I remember the day after the tragic phone call. I isolated myself in my room. I drowned myself in booze, pills, drugs, and razors. I knew I shouldn't have, but I still did. The amount of pain I felt with the fact the I could loose you, It killed me internally.

I remember a couple weeks after that. I came to your chemotherapy treatment. It killed me. Watching you go through all that pain made me feel as much pain as you felt. As I watched you go through that, I scratched at my wrist the whole time, and that's when you noticed the scars and cuts that littered my entire arm. After your treatment that day, You talked to me about it.  
"Gerard, You haven't been taking care of yourself honey. You make Mikey look chubby. You aren't eating. A-and y-you're hurting yourself."  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
"Don't be sorry. Look, Just please take care of yourself."

I remember going to school alone as the weeks went by. Year twelve was coming to an end. I barely saw you in school, But i kept going to all of your Chemo treatment with you because I know that you needed me to be there. Graduation wasn't a big day for me. You were happy. You saw yourself and your boyfriend get out of school and achieve freedom after those twelve horrible years at school. You were happy.

I remember you getting very sick the week after graduation. You were rushed to the hospital. Our week of freedom consisted of you being stuck in the hospital, and me watching you being stuck with needles and all kinda of thins and all wires hooked onto your body.It killed me to see you like that. 

I remember the last day I saw you. We talked about all types of thing. Just like the first day we met, We talked about bands and how you wanted to play guitar in one. You talked about how much you loved life and living and loving. You talked about how much you cared for me. That you wanted me to take care of myself and stop cutting and starving. But sadly, Even for your last dying wish, I couldn't keep that promise. I couldn't help you with your cancer. I Just wanted it to go away and it wouldn't. I felt hopeless, not being able to stop your life from slipping away. You're cancer had spread so much that the doctors said you wouldn't live past twenty five. But they were off. Because that night while I was sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs on the verge of falling asleep, your heart monitor fell flat. Nurses rushed into the room and pushed me out as they tried saving your life. But they failed. And I was allowed back in the room to hold your cold dying hand. I kissed your forehead and sang. You loved my singing. I didn't care how bad i sounded or how weird I looked, I knew that you loved it. By then, The doctors got your heart to start again, but it was short lasted, because you ended up being ripped away from me at the seams. Still holding your hand, I sang your favorite song, Wake me up when September ends, By Green Day. It was ironic, How you died in September. I held your cold hand and watched at the heart monitor fell flat again and the nurses said "Time of death, September 3rd, 3:43 am."

I remember your wake. You were laying lifelessly in a casket as all your friends and family watched you with your arms crossed in a suit and tie, covered in makeup to make your pale, dead skin, not look so dead. I saw right past it. I was the one who was with you in your last moments. I felt the lifelessness on your skin. It pissed me off, seeing you so well dressed in a suit and tie. If it was up too you, you would have been wearing a parade jacket. You loved parades. Your hair was parted in the middle and was neatly tucked behind your ears. I never once saw your hair like that. I stood in the back as everyone walked up to the casket and said a prayer. I was last. I stared at your cold lifeless body for five minutes, bursting into tears as everyone watched. I didn't care that the attention was on me. I just wanted you to sit up and say "Just kidding." And go back to being alive and somewhat okay. But I knew that was never going to happen.   
"I'm sorry." I choked out from my sobs and I held your dead hand. I went up and kissed your cheek lightly, some of the makeup wearing off on the cheek.  
"I'm so sorry, I love you." I wiped my disgusting tears off my face. Mikey walked up to me and grabbed my hand.  
"I think its time to go take a seat." He said, trying to calm me down. But I know that he knew that I was having a melt down. I sobbed my eyes out as I walked away from your dead corpse that rested in your casket. I screamed out  
"I'm sorry Frank, I love you." And sat down at the pews and the priest said the prayer. I knew that if you were here you probably would have sat right up out of the coffin and slap the priest across his face and played Green Day. After he said the prayer, everyone at the funeral stood up and walked a block down to the cemetery. Many of the people that walked with my kept asking me if I was okay. I said   
"Yeah I'm fine." But I know I wasn't. Because without you I'm half of a whole. Without you, I'm nothing.  
We all made it to the cemetery and stood around the grave that was dug. I watched as they closed your casket and I bursted into tears again, wiping my nose that was dripping from all the crying I had done, and my eyes from the tears. I realized that it was the last time I would have ever seen you in person.   
They began to put your coffin into the ground. I was ready to jump in with you, but of course I couldn't. But trust me if I could, I would. They started filling in the dirk as every single shovel they put on was another tear that rolled down my cheek and down into your grave.  
Everyone close to you took a handle of dirt and threw it into your grave. I took a big handful of the dirt and stared down at the coffin for a minute, as the person running the funeral played your song. Wake me up When September ends filled the air. And I knew that I would never hear your voice to sing that song and I would never see your beautiful finger run across the frets of your guitar, playing the melody of this song. I continued staring down at your coffin and let go of the dirt and let it fall onto your coffin. As I did, I said along to the song  
"Wake me up When September ends." I stood up straight and walked back as they continued to fill your grave. I could barely see due to my tears clouding my vision.  
I watched everyone leave as the funeral ended. I forced Mikey to stay so we were the last ones. I sat on the grass next to you grave stone and cried my eyes out.  
After an hour of just staring and the new filled hole in the ground, Mikey knelled down next to me.  
"Gerard, Don't you think we should go now?" He said nicely. I felt bad, knowing that he wanted to go home. We was sad too. He saw you as a pretty good friend. And you also made me happy. I nodded at him and stood up shakily, Crying even harder as we walked back to the car.

The days after your funeral were tough. I didn't leave my room for a week. I starved and binged drunk all of the alcohol in the house I could find. I knew you would have slapped me across the face for what I was doing, But I couldn't help it. Because you weren't there with me to tell me that I was beautiful. You weren't there to tell me to eat. You weren't there to tell me you take care of myself.

Your weren't there.

This all leads to now. Two months later, November third. The reason I'm writing this letter. I sit in my bedroom with three whole bottles of sleeping pills and a huge liter sized bottle of vodka. I'm ending my life now. I cant bare the pain of not having you by my side, Because I know that I can't live without you. Because without you I'm nothing. I'd rather die and live a short life, then live a hundred years without you.  
And so I end this letter with,

I'm sorry Frank.


End file.
